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GROWING UP & LIKING IT

"It's such a relief to be a grownup," my friend Lil 55, said to me the other day. "I get to make my own decisions and take my own consequences. I don't have to make excuses for the things I do. Best of all, everyone doesn't have to like me.

"When I was young," she continued, "everything mattered. I accommodated to everything that was asked of me. I was afraid to give my opinion in case someone didn't agree. I was always fearful of not fitting in. Now," she says, "I don't need you to like me. You either like me or you don't and if you don't, I'll find someone else who will. It's so freeing."

My friend Barbara, an interior designer said something pretty similar. "It's all come together for me. I no longer live a life that's alien to me. I'm my own person. Recently remarried, Barbara, now 62, is absolutely in love with life. She looks refreshed and relaxed and just this year began a new career as Dr. Décor in the Detroit News newspaper.

This is so interesting, I thought. I don't hear people talking about the good things about growing up. When you ask people about maturity, all they seem to talk about are the tragedies of aging. In fact, I often felt foolish telling others that this was the best time of my life. So I thought, maybe I was on to something. Maybe we didn't ask the right question. I began calling friends over 50. "Do you like being a grown-up?" I asked them. Their replies were delightfully surprising.

"It's great. I no longer worry about others' reactions," said accountant and business owner, Diane. "If people ask me for my opinion, they get it. They learn soon enough not to ask, if they don't want a truthful answer."

"I don't have as much responsibility for other people," said Flo who, at 57, recently enlarged her catering business. "What you see is what you get," she continued "and I'm very proud of that. I no longer put on false selves."

"I love knowing who I am," said Marilyn, 63, laughing, "And I don't have to prove myself anymore. As the president of a large advertising company I've driven myself crazy trying to do better and better each year. Now I have a track record and more than enough experience to trust my business instincts. But the best is that I can say "no" to things I don't want to do - like getting on airplanes at 7 a.m. for a quick business trip out of town."

Each woman was echoing what I was experiencing. Fifty-plus is a fabulous time in life. It is a time in which you can really appreciate yourself and what you've done with your life or decide there's still plenty of time to make changes. It's a time to enjoy the privileges of being a grown-up. I love it! It is the calm that comes with maturity and the confidence that you gain with experience. I enjoy the serenity of knowing who I am and what I believe in. I've come to appreciate the power of the word "no" and the pleasure of saying "yes" as a choice instead of an obligation. What a luxury it is to grow up instead of just growing older.

The Way We Were

Being young isn't all it's made to be in the media. When we took back nostalgically some of us may forget the pain that went along with those years. But how can you forget the insecurity and fear we carried around like a cloak on a daily basis. How many of us are willing to be honest about all the work it took to cover up our sense of inadequacy. Frankly, I'm embarrassed by the memory of the bravado I sometimes put forth just to keep myself afloat. My friends tell me they feel the same way. We were so insecure and unsure of ourselves then, that every decision, big or small was considered major. It was as if each decision said something indelible about us. We pretended that we knew everything, made no mistakes and God forbid someone suggested we were at fault should something go wrong. We can laugh at it now, but then our egos got in the way of our thinking it funny. We were way too serious about ourselves.

Unfortunately, some of us never make the transition to full adulthood. As a clinical psychologist, I see this with great frequency. Some people never grow up. They are girls or boys just grown older. They remain needy and dependent, or needy and controlling, all their lives. They have a myriad of complaints and are often bitter. Their favorite tunes are, "Life isn't fair," or If you don't do what I want I'll get you" and "everyone has it better than me." What they never see is their contribution to the life they've created. They resist taking responsibility for the way things turn out. They feel victimized and helpless. And sadly, they make it difficult for others to be around them because they're always unhappy.

Words Of Wisdom

I'm glad I'm not like that. The key to happiness was given to me when I was celebrating my 35th birthday. My mentor, Dr. Andrew Yang, a Chinese psychologist who had accepted me into his practice led a toast during my birthday dinner. "May you achieve all your wishes but one," he said. I raised my glass to the toast and then approached him as the evening was ending. "Why would you wish me that?" I naively asked. "So that you always have something to look forward to," he smilingly replied. "Always have something to look forward to, keep on growing, learning, experiencing. That's what makes your life, a life. Appreciate what you have and keep looking forward," he said as he left. What wisdom!

I asked my friend Helene who is 70 what she likes about being a grownup. "You know, I've worked hard all my life," she said, "but I always took time to do things I wanted to do. And now, I get to reflect on what I did and see if I want to do some of it over again. Whether I do or I don't, I enjoy the moments of reflection."

What too many people don't realize is that life has an "I" in it. What that means is that you are the central character in your life, but others play an important supportive role. Therefore you cannot go through life thinking only of yourself without having a devastating affect on others, just as you cannot go through life only doing for others without regards to yourself. Being a grownup means truly understanding that. And, once understood, everything changes. It means making the basis of marriage a loving friendship instead of hot sex. It means allowing your kids to grow up and become adults in your eyes. It means not asking of others what you refuse to do for yourself. The miracle of growing up is that you can keep doing it and never grow old. Now that's a plan.